Lessons For a Big Brother

During the early morning hours of July 20^th, 2016 Robin Renee Deutmeyer passed away at Finley Hospital in Dubuque, IA.  Robin was 31 years old.

Those were the first two sentences of my baby sister’s obituary.  Robin and I were only separated by 11 months with us being the same age one month of year which she always thought was pretty cool.  As young children Robin and I played together a lot.  Although I had an older brother I often found myself playing “quieter” games and activities such as Legos, GI Joes, and occasionally Barbies (usually GI Joe was mounting an assault on the defenseless dream house).  Typically anything with my older brother would end up with me laying on the ground next to a ramp made from bricks and boards as he tried to jump his bike over me (which is great for a while), so Robin and I naturally played a lot together. 

Unfortunately, during middle school we started to part ways and grew further and further apart as we headed into adulthood.  As I reflect back on the great times we had as kids I am humbled at the things Robin has taught me in the last few years at a time where our relationship was fairly distant.  One of Robin’s best qualities was she never gave up on people.

So often we hear the slogan, “Be who you are.”  This is said on commercials, in self-help books, read on billboards, and heard in schools.  It is easy for us to encourage people to be who they are when it fits within our social norms.  However, it is much more challenging to do so when they would be seen as “odd” or “strange.”  As I helped my mom write Robin’s obituary I found myself wanting to paint a picture of Robin that would fit my social norms.  My mom quickly pointed out that what was being written was too business like and not reflective of who Robin was.  So, we wrote a whole paragraph about her love of fairies and another about her dog and guinea pig.  Why?  Because she loved those things and it reflected who she was.  Throughout Robin’s life she was true to who she was.  Many people, myself included, tried to make Robin someone she was not.  Robin never gave into that pressure.  She was bold in who she was!  My sister taught me that we should not focus on molding people into who we think they should be but instead simply love and be with them.

In the intensive care unit with my family I had several conversations with my cousins about how Robin was always calling, Facebook messaging, texting, or just asking when she could hang out with us all.  Robin asked me countless times to get lunch together, have the kids come over, and most recently watch the new Star Wars movie together.  Regretfully, most of these invitations were turned down.  However, that never stopped her from reaching out and asking.  One of my flaws is that when someone is no longer in my weekly bubble of interaction I pretty much stop reaching out.  Robin was not this way, in fact, she was very much the opposite.  She was always reaching out even after countless rejections.  Robin valued relationships and worked hard to maintain and further her past, present, and future relationships.

The last time I saw my sister was when she surprised my daughter by showing up to her last softball game.  As soon as Hannah saw her she ran up and gave her a big hug.  My sons Caleb and Isaac quickly realized Robin was there and knew that she would take them to the swings near the ballpark.  Robin swung the kids and generally played with differently than I often do.  She was never worried about what was next.  When she was swinging the kids she was focused on swinging the kids until THEY were done being swung.  This is how Robin was, simply, focused on what she was doing and not worrying about what was next. 

Robin will be laid to rest on July 25^th, 2016.  She leaves behind a family that she loved and cared for very much.  She has made us all better.  In brief reflections since her death I have seen how she was courageously herself, cared for others by always reaching out, and finally how she was focused on the present.  I am confident that in the coming days, weeks, months, and years I will continue to learn more about the great impact my little sister had on my life and those she loved.

Clarity in Communication

Spring has brought frisbees, grilling, and playing in the front yard to the Deutmeyer home.  On a blue skied sixty degree day I was outside firing up the grill while watching Caleb (our 4 year old) and Hannah (our 6 year old) play with a frisbee.  It didn’t take long before frisbee rule number one became reality (Frisbee Rule Number One: it will end up on the roof or under a car).  Caleb was quickly on the ground trying to crawl under the van but he was unable to reach the Frisbee.  Thinking on my feet I picked up a red plastic snow shovel that Isaac (our 2 year old) had drug out of the garage for the twelfth time that day.  Handing it to Hannah I said, “Have Caleb use this,” with the thought that he could push the Frisbee out with the shovel.  A few seconds passed before I caught a glimpse of red flash out of the corner of my eye as I was struck by a flying snow shovel.  Turning to Caleb I yelled, “Why are you throwing the snow shovel in the air!”  Shocked and a bit confused by my reaction Caleb responds by stuttering, “Dad you told Hannah that I should use the shovel not the frisbee.”

Clarity in my communication and Caleb’s understanding were not in sync.  While I meant he should use the shovel as a tool to get the frisbee he assumed that he should use it in place of the frisbee and throw it around the yard.  As I think about this I laugh, which is often the case with so many Caleb stories.  However, I also realize there are three underlying points that could have made my communication much clearer.  By eliminating middle people, using concise specific language, and checking for understanding we can ensure that our communication is wrapped in clarity.

My guess is that we have all at some point or another played the game telephone with a group of people.  The basic object is to line people up and whisper a message from one person to another with the hopes that it doesn’t change by the time it reaches the last person.  I have never seen this carried out where the original message wasn’t added to or subtracted from by the time it reached the last person.  This same thing happens in our daily communication, and often the errors and changes with the message might be worse as we may wait several minutes, hours, or days before relaying a message.  Anytime that we can, we should eliminate the middle man!  If I would have spoken directly to Caleb I would have had a much better read of his understanding and he would have received the full message.  So often we receive second hand information and find ourselves struggling to put together the full message.  When we eliminate the middle people in our conversations we allow for a more direct line of communication which drastically improves clarity.

Often times in conversations we may receive a message that is long, drawn out, and simply hard to follow.  My guess is that when a lot of us are in these situations we are making the sound of Charlie Brown’s teacher in our heads.  In no means do I feel we are being purposefully uncaring we just want the information.  We want communication to be concise and specific.  In no way did I do this with Caleb.  I left my communication to him open to many different interpretations and he did what made sense to him (flying shovels).    I should have said to him, “Caleb, you need to use this shovel to push the frisbee from under the van.  Then you can go back to throwing the frisbee.”  Our words carry a lot of power and weight.  It is important that when we are communicating with others that we leverage this power in ways that convey our message in clear ways.

One of my common statements both in professional and personal life is, “Does this make sense?”  I use this a lot and there was one day last year at work that two separate people finished this question before I did.  As mundane as this maybe I am pretty confident that if I asked Caleb this prior to giving him the shovel I would not have been hit by a flying shovel (Frisbee in Caleb’s mind).  We can guarantee clarity when we directly ask if what we said was understood.  In situations where the communication is important it is always better to check for understanding prior to ending the conversation. 

Our communication is the foundation to the relationships that we have.  Through eliminating middle men, using specific concise language, and checking for understanding we can do a much better job of communicating with clarity.  If nothing else utilizing these three points will insure that my head doesn’t have any unwanted meetings with snow shovels.

It’s People Not Programs…A Stark Reminder!

At the beginning of this school year my son Caleb started preschool.  Caleb is a younger preschool student as he has a late summer birthday.  He is also one who forms deep connections with those he spends his time with and struggles forming new relationships.  Knowing these two things my wife and I knew that preschool was going to be hard for our little buddy.  We had the following choices for a preschool program: 

• Attend a Dubuque Preschool Program 

• He was already signed up (we would eventually move out of the district). 
• The program was only a half a day. 
• He would still be able to attend his former daycare only a block away. 
• Christy works a block away from the school. 
• Affordable before care available on site. 

• Attend Peosta Elementary in The Western Dubuque Community School District 

• Current home building (moved to new home prior to school year starting). 
• Full day preschool programs. 
• Uncertain on pick up and drop off. 

After a lot of discussion and thought we decided that attending the Dubuque program would be the best option for Caleb.  In our eyes the shorter day and availability of affordable before care made this the more attractive program for Caleb to attend.   For the next two months Caleb hated school.  At drop off he would hide in the back of the van, scream for up to an hour when finally in the building, and even tried to run out on several occasions.  We were very much facing the possibility that Caleb was going to be “kicked” out of preschool.  However, more upsetting was that he was suffering from a lot of anxiety at home and misbehaving nightly.  We had yet another decision to make.  Do we pull him from preschool and try again next year or send him to a full day program at Peosta Elementary. 

We decided to send him to Peosta Elementary.  He cried upon drop off for the first couple of weeks and has been all smiles for the last two weeks.  Currently he walks into school by himself and finds his spot on line (something we never thought he would do).  He talks about school with such joy and excitement now that it is evident he is enjoying his learning.  So, what was the difference maker in these two programs?  On paper and logistically we felt his first program was the better fit, however, we forgot something very import.  It is people that make the difference in a child’s life not the programs themselves.  I noticed four traits that the Peosta Elementary staff demonstrated that makes them people who make a difference: 

They Connect – with students as individuals.  The Peosta Elementary staff wanted to know who Caleb was.  They were interested in his story, his interests, and his education.  This connection gave Caleb a level of security that he had not had at his previous placement. 

They Communicate –  with students and parents.  For a week or two prior to Caleb starting at Peosta Elementary we were having conversations about what was needed for a smooth transition.  From that point on we have gotten continuous feedback on Caleb's progress and what he is learning in preschool.   

They Care – for all there students.  On the third day of school during our conversations at home about school Caleb stated, "My teacher loves me...so everything is going to be okay."  Caleb knew from very early on that he was not just part of a class but part of a family. 

They Continuously Do What is Needed – to promote the success of their students.  I don’t know if Caleb's positive drop offs and days at preschool will continue, but what I do know is that whatever happens he is going to be surrounded by people who are not going to give up on him.  Both at home and at school Caleb knows that the people in his life are willing to do what it takes for him to be successful. 

In many ways I feel it is the actions of those adults at Peosta Elementary School who have given us our Caleb back.  For two months he displayed behaviors so uncharacteristic for him, however, now we feel we have our fun loving son back.  His jokes and laughs fill our nights now instead of his screams and tantrums.  This is a true testament that impact is made by ordinary people doing ordinary things in extraordinary ways.

But I'm Just a .... (Insert Job or Role)

This week I had the wonderful opportunity to attend the Teaching, Learning, and Coaching Conference.  The conference was held at the Marriott Hotel in downtown Denver.  At the end of the conference a golden key was given to a Marriott employee who went above and beyond in helping host the conference.  This recognition was given to a man named Anthony.  Anthony, was all over the place helping people find their rooms, setting up conference materials, emptying garbage cans, moving tables, and picking up trash from the floor.  He was doing whatever he could to help the conference go smoothly.  Three things can be observed from how Anthony approached his job. He simply did what he does, he wasn’t looking for to be recognized, and he made a tremendous impact.

Too often we feel we need a big role or title to be important to our organization, school, or team.  Anthony’s recognition shows us that this is very far from the truth.  In fact most of us will not be big name celebrities, athletes, or famous people.  By no means does this limit the importance of our roles.  While attending a conference a few years ago I heard former Secretary of State Colin Powell tell a story.  He shared how he often told the cleaning lady of his office that foreign ministers and leaders where always relaxed and comfortable in his office.  He attributed this to her hard work and went on to tell her that she had a vital impact on foreign policy.  Anthony made a difference because he took pride in his work and went above and beyond in doing it.  It is not our titles that determine our impact but instead the level of vigor that we bring to our roles in life.

When Anthony’s name was called to receive this recognition you could tell he was a bit hesitant to go up on stage and receive the key along with a roar of cheers and clapping from the audience.  It was very evident that he didn’t go out and perform all these tasks to earn a key.  So, why did he go above and beyond in his job?  To answer this I feel I must do a bit of inferring.  My brother always had this saying, “If a task is once begun, be the task great or small, do it well or not at all.”  If we are going to perform a task people deserve our best.  Whatever our roles are, be it a teacher, fast food worker, postman, politician, lawyer, doctor, retail worker, daycare provider, the list goes on and on yet the simple fact remains that people deserve our best.  If we are doing a job we must do it to the best of our abilities.

Finally, by simply doing what he does and doing it the best he can Anthony made an impact on well over six hundred conference attendees.  It is foolish of us to believe that we do not have the ability to have a positive impact on those around us.  We see the example of Anthony but there are also countless stories of people who make a difference by taking on a role and simply doing it well.  True impact really occures when everyday people do ordinary things in extraordinary ways.

Finding Balance

Time is often consider the great equalizer of humanity.  No matter our income, status, or race none of us can add time to the 24 hours that are in a day.  Since we are unable to add more time to our days it is important that we leverage the time we do have intentionally. 

In the past two years my family and I have certainly felt the crunch of busy schedules.  Within that time I began my Master’s program, we had our third child, worked part time at a new church campus launch, took on a new role in education, moved, and my wife began her Master’s program.  Between raising our three children, focusing on our each other, and busy careers life has been a bit hectic.  As I look back within these last two years we have had some wonderful family and professional times as well as some that were not so great.  There were three common threads present during the good times within this chaotic season of life.

Quality vs. Quantity

I once thought family time should be focused on the quality of the time.  Now I believe that quality time is a byproduct of quantity time.  With three young kids there is no way to plan and guarantee quality time together.  There are simply too many variables at play that may allow great family time to turn into unexpected situations of parenthood.  For example, last week we planned a special ice cream trip to Culvers to have some “quality” family time, however, upon pulling into the parking lot our middle child threw a fit saying he didn’t want Culvers he wanted Dairy Queen.  For the next twenty minutes my wife and two of our three children enjoyed ice cream while I sat in the car with a screaming child.  Not the quality time we had planned.  We must focus on having quantity time with our families for it is in that quantity time that quality time will occur. 

Be Where You Are

A few years ago I remember reading a book and studying on the couch with the kids during our nightly family cuddle/TV time.  After a bit my daughter looked at me and said, “Daddy cuddle time is cuddle time.”  This was a simple yet powerful insight from my then four year old daughter.  She was telling me that if I am physically present during cuddle time then I must also be mentally focused on cuddle time.  I once thought that multitasking was a productive use of time.  Now I believe it is more productive and honoring to the people I am with to be mentally and physically present where my feet are planted. 

Schedule

I once heard Mark Driscoll stat, “Let me see your schedule…and I can tell you exactly what is important in your life.”  It would be interesting to list out the most important things in our lives and then allow a stranger to look at our schedules and see if they come up with the same list.  If not we are merely doing lip service to what we believe is most important in our lives and not honoring them with the precious time they deserve.  In the past two years when times had gotten rough it was usually due to work and school creeping into family time.  If we say that our family is important we must honor that with our schedules.  I realized in the last two years that the times we were happiest were those when homework and work cut into other areas of life (mainly sleep) instead of family time.  I once believed that schedules would take care of themselves.  Now I believe that I must be diligent planning and organizing each day.

Finding balance between personal and professional life is tough.  However, leveraging schedules to allow for quantity family time and being mentally and physically present in those moments will create the quality time that families are longing for.

Servant Leadership

For the last three weeks I have attended seminar classes focusing on servant leadership at UNI through the Education Leadership program I am in.  The following is a slightly modified version of my paper summarizing what servant leadership is to me.  Enjoy!

            Leadership is intentional influence.  A leader of service influences the people that they are surrounded by in unique ways.  Servant leaders value people, develop people, and actively engage in the improvement of the organization that they are part of.                                                                       

            "Leadership is not dog training.  It is the creation of the kinds of conditions in which people can bring their brains, hearts, talents, and energy to the realization of a vision." - Henry Cloud.  Leaders value people by treating them appropriately.  This means leaders know and understand what people need and can put them in situations and positions where they feel comfortable and valued.  Often times, this comes down to creating an environment that promotes vulnerability and accountability.  When a school environment promotes the value of individuals, ideas and solutions will flourish. 

            Servant leaders develop people.  Bob Goff stated, “If you want to be a great leader see people for who they are becoming.”  When a servant leader comes into an organization they immediately begin seeing how they can help develop the people around them.  In schools this means that principals/leaders are coming along side teachers, paras, and support staff to help them improve and take their practice to the next level.  Bill Hybels summarizes this idea well, “The central work of diligent leadership is to move people from ‘here’ to ‘there.’”

            Finally, servant leaders engage in improving the school, team, or organization.  Leaders who serve have skin in the game and passionately want to improve the environment they serve.  Servant leaders strive to develop this same excitement of improvement into all staff members and stakeholders.  Patrick Lencioni author of The Advantage states, “Collective responsibility implies, more than anything else, selflessness and shared sacrifices from all team members.”  When leaders serve others and engage in organizations people begin to feel a part of something bigger than themselves.  This drastically increases passion, drive, and productivity. 

            Servant leadership requires leaders to value, develop, and engage with people on a deeper level.  This will require leaders to sacrifice additional time, energy, and resources.  It is this sacrifice that makes servant leadership a personal and unique style of leadership.  The true servant leader will simply strive to follow the command that Jesus Christ gave in Matthew 7:12, "Do to others what you would have them do for you."

The Ultimate Leader

Two weeks ago I was asked, “What is the best book on leadership you have ever read?”  This got me thinking not of a book, but of a who.  I began asking myself who is the best leader to have ever lived.  To answer this I simply looked for who has the most followers.  Below are some stats on the person I feel is the greatest leader to have ever exited:

·         2.18 billion people claim His name as a follower.

·         More books, songs, and poems have been written about Him than any other person in history.

·         2000 years after His death He is still having a dramatic impact on the lives of His followers.

Jesus of Nazareth is the ultimate leader.  He accomplished so much even though he was raised in a rural town, never traveled more than 100 miles from home, never wrote a book, never went to college, and never led a major corporation.  On top of this He was born to teenage parents who were not yet married; a clear set back 2000 years ago.  Even during His life people questioned who Jesus was.  John 6:42 states, “Is not this Jesus, the son of Joseph, whose father and mother we know?”  Basically saying, we know this guy how can He make the claims he does.  So how did this peasant from Nazareth make such an impact?  Jesus claimed to be divine, and this is claim that I agree with.  Obviously, being devine He will be able to lead in ways that we never could, but there are six things that Jesus did and we can emulate that made him a great leader.

Jesus Prepared: It is widely believed that Jesus began His public ministry around the age of 30.  In fact, there is limited knowledge of what exactly Jesus did for the first 30 years of His life.  One could infer that He worked a construction job with His father.  During this time the Bible also tells us that, “He grew in wisdom and stature among men.”  Simply put, Jesus was preparing Himself for the public ministry to come.  As leaders we need to be willing to put in the time to prepare for the leadership opportunities we will have. 

Jesus Built Leaders: Although Jesus taught to the masses He spent most of His time with 12 people.  Jesus invested all of himself in the team around him.  After His crucifixion Jesus gives the great commission in Matthew 28:19 saying, “Therefore go and make disciples of all nations…” From this point on these 12 men (Judas being replaced) went out and spread the news about Jesus and built more leaders to do the same.  As leaders we need to invest in the people around us.  Like Jesus we need to be building people up so that they can carry forward the vision and mission of our schools, companies, or churches.

Jesus Was Mission Focused: “When the days drew near for Him to be taken up, he set His face to go to Jerusalem.” Luke 9:51.  From this point forward in the book of Luke Jesus is focused on going to Jerusalem where He would be crucified.  Every action and interaction Jesus had fit into His mission.  As leaders we too must be focused on our missions.  Everything we do must tie back to the vision, mission, and goals that we are trying to achieve.

Jesus Served: Servant leadership is talked about a lot in leadership today.  Jesus stated in Mark 10:45, “Even the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give His life as a ransom for many.”  In this verse we see that Jesus served and gave.  It is so powerful when leaders are willing to serve and give to those they lead.  Like Jesus we shouldn’t approach leadership as a way to get things but instead as a way to serve and give back.

Jesus Was Connected: There are several times in the Gospels that Jesus escapes the crowds and finds time alone to meditate and connect with God.  As leaders it is important for us to find ways to step away from the noise of the world and reflect.  Before Jesus made big choices like selecting His 12 disciples He made sure to find quite time with God.  Like Jesus, it is crucial that we take time to connect with God prior to making big decisions.

Jesus Made the Tough Calls: On the night prior to His crucifixion Jesus cries out to God, “My Father, if it is possible, let this cup pass from me; nevertheless, not as I will, but as you will.” Matthew 26:39.  As we know the story, the cup is not allowed to pass from Jesus and He willingly goes to the cross to die for the sins of mankind.  That is intense!  Jesus did what needed to be done, he made the tough call.  As leaders we too must make the tough calls.  We cannot live in a world of grey.  If a decision needs to be made we need to be willing to step up, make it, and take ownership of it.

Jesus prepared, built leaders, was focused, served others, was connected, and made the tough calls.  We have all heard the saying, “What would Jesus do?”  Looking at the life of Jesus the leader we can begin to ask, how would Jesus lead?