Lessons For a Big Brother

During the early morning hours of July 20^th, 2016 Robin Renee Deutmeyer passed away at Finley Hospital in Dubuque, IA.  Robin was 31 years old.

Those were the first two sentences of my baby sister’s obituary.  Robin and I were only separated by 11 months with us being the same age one month of year which she always thought was pretty cool.  As young children Robin and I played together a lot.  Although I had an older brother I often found myself playing “quieter” games and activities such as Legos, GI Joes, and occasionally Barbies (usually GI Joe was mounting an assault on the defenseless dream house).  Typically anything with my older brother would end up with me laying on the ground next to a ramp made from bricks and boards as he tried to jump his bike over me (which is great for a while), so Robin and I naturally played a lot together. 

Unfortunately, during middle school we started to part ways and grew further and further apart as we headed into adulthood.  As I reflect back on the great times we had as kids I am humbled at the things Robin has taught me in the last few years at a time where our relationship was fairly distant.  One of Robin’s best qualities was she never gave up on people.

So often we hear the slogan, “Be who you are.”  This is said on commercials, in self-help books, read on billboards, and heard in schools.  It is easy for us to encourage people to be who they are when it fits within our social norms.  However, it is much more challenging to do so when they would be seen as “odd” or “strange.”  As I helped my mom write Robin’s obituary I found myself wanting to paint a picture of Robin that would fit my social norms.  My mom quickly pointed out that what was being written was too business like and not reflective of who Robin was.  So, we wrote a whole paragraph about her love of fairies and another about her dog and guinea pig.  Why?  Because she loved those things and it reflected who she was.  Throughout Robin’s life she was true to who she was.  Many people, myself included, tried to make Robin someone she was not.  Robin never gave into that pressure.  She was bold in who she was!  My sister taught me that we should not focus on molding people into who we think they should be but instead simply love and be with them.

In the intensive care unit with my family I had several conversations with my cousins about how Robin was always calling, Facebook messaging, texting, or just asking when she could hang out with us all.  Robin asked me countless times to get lunch together, have the kids come over, and most recently watch the new Star Wars movie together.  Regretfully, most of these invitations were turned down.  However, that never stopped her from reaching out and asking.  One of my flaws is that when someone is no longer in my weekly bubble of interaction I pretty much stop reaching out.  Robin was not this way, in fact, she was very much the opposite.  She was always reaching out even after countless rejections.  Robin valued relationships and worked hard to maintain and further her past, present, and future relationships.

The last time I saw my sister was when she surprised my daughter by showing up to her last softball game.  As soon as Hannah saw her she ran up and gave her a big hug.  My sons Caleb and Isaac quickly realized Robin was there and knew that she would take them to the swings near the ballpark.  Robin swung the kids and generally played with differently than I often do.  She was never worried about what was next.  When she was swinging the kids she was focused on swinging the kids until THEY were done being swung.  This is how Robin was, simply, focused on what she was doing and not worrying about what was next. 

Robin will be laid to rest on July 25^th, 2016.  She leaves behind a family that she loved and cared for very much.  She has made us all better.  In brief reflections since her death I have seen how she was courageously herself, cared for others by always reaching out, and finally how she was focused on the present.  I am confident that in the coming days, weeks, months, and years I will continue to learn more about the great impact my little sister had on my life and those she loved.

Clarity in Communication

Spring has brought frisbees, grilling, and playing in the front yard to the Deutmeyer home.  On a blue skied sixty degree day I was outside firing up the grill while watching Caleb (our 4 year old) and Hannah (our 6 year old) play with a frisbee.  It didn’t take long before frisbee rule number one became reality (Frisbee Rule Number One: it will end up on the roof or under a car).  Caleb was quickly on the ground trying to crawl under the van but he was unable to reach the Frisbee.  Thinking on my feet I picked up a red plastic snow shovel that Isaac (our 2 year old) had drug out of the garage for the twelfth time that day.  Handing it to Hannah I said, “Have Caleb use this,” with the thought that he could push the Frisbee out with the shovel.  A few seconds passed before I caught a glimpse of red flash out of the corner of my eye as I was struck by a flying snow shovel.  Turning to Caleb I yelled, “Why are you throwing the snow shovel in the air!”  Shocked and a bit confused by my reaction Caleb responds by stuttering, “Dad you told Hannah that I should use the shovel not the frisbee.”

Clarity in my communication and Caleb’s understanding were not in sync.  While I meant he should use the shovel as a tool to get the frisbee he assumed that he should use it in place of the frisbee and throw it around the yard.  As I think about this I laugh, which is often the case with so many Caleb stories.  However, I also realize there are three underlying points that could have made my communication much clearer.  By eliminating middle people, using concise specific language, and checking for understanding we can ensure that our communication is wrapped in clarity.

My guess is that we have all at some point or another played the game telephone with a group of people.  The basic object is to line people up and whisper a message from one person to another with the hopes that it doesn’t change by the time it reaches the last person.  I have never seen this carried out where the original message wasn’t added to or subtracted from by the time it reached the last person.  This same thing happens in our daily communication, and often the errors and changes with the message might be worse as we may wait several minutes, hours, or days before relaying a message.  Anytime that we can, we should eliminate the middle man!  If I would have spoken directly to Caleb I would have had a much better read of his understanding and he would have received the full message.  So often we receive second hand information and find ourselves struggling to put together the full message.  When we eliminate the middle people in our conversations we allow for a more direct line of communication which drastically improves clarity.

Often times in conversations we may receive a message that is long, drawn out, and simply hard to follow.  My guess is that when a lot of us are in these situations we are making the sound of Charlie Brown’s teacher in our heads.  In no means do I feel we are being purposefully uncaring we just want the information.  We want communication to be concise and specific.  In no way did I do this with Caleb.  I left my communication to him open to many different interpretations and he did what made sense to him (flying shovels).    I should have said to him, “Caleb, you need to use this shovel to push the frisbee from under the van.  Then you can go back to throwing the frisbee.”  Our words carry a lot of power and weight.  It is important that when we are communicating with others that we leverage this power in ways that convey our message in clear ways.

One of my common statements both in professional and personal life is, “Does this make sense?”  I use this a lot and there was one day last year at work that two separate people finished this question before I did.  As mundane as this maybe I am pretty confident that if I asked Caleb this prior to giving him the shovel I would not have been hit by a flying shovel (Frisbee in Caleb’s mind).  We can guarantee clarity when we directly ask if what we said was understood.  In situations where the communication is important it is always better to check for understanding prior to ending the conversation. 

Our communication is the foundation to the relationships that we have.  Through eliminating middle men, using specific concise language, and checking for understanding we can do a much better job of communicating with clarity.  If nothing else utilizing these three points will insure that my head doesn’t have any unwanted meetings with snow shovels.