Lessons For a Big Brother

During the early morning hours of July 20^th, 2016 Robin Renee Deutmeyer passed away at Finley Hospital in Dubuque, IA.  Robin was 31 years old.

Those were the first two sentences of my baby sister’s obituary.  Robin and I were only separated by 11 months with us being the same age one month of year which she always thought was pretty cool.  As young children Robin and I played together a lot.  Although I had an older brother I often found myself playing “quieter” games and activities such as Legos, GI Joes, and occasionally Barbies (usually GI Joe was mounting an assault on the defenseless dream house).  Typically anything with my older brother would end up with me laying on the ground next to a ramp made from bricks and boards as he tried to jump his bike over me (which is great for a while), so Robin and I naturally played a lot together. 

Unfortunately, during middle school we started to part ways and grew further and further apart as we headed into adulthood.  As I reflect back on the great times we had as kids I am humbled at the things Robin has taught me in the last few years at a time where our relationship was fairly distant.  One of Robin’s best qualities was she never gave up on people.

So often we hear the slogan, “Be who you are.”  This is said on commercials, in self-help books, read on billboards, and heard in schools.  It is easy for us to encourage people to be who they are when it fits within our social norms.  However, it is much more challenging to do so when they would be seen as “odd” or “strange.”  As I helped my mom write Robin’s obituary I found myself wanting to paint a picture of Robin that would fit my social norms.  My mom quickly pointed out that what was being written was too business like and not reflective of who Robin was.  So, we wrote a whole paragraph about her love of fairies and another about her dog and guinea pig.  Why?  Because she loved those things and it reflected who she was.  Throughout Robin’s life she was true to who she was.  Many people, myself included, tried to make Robin someone she was not.  Robin never gave into that pressure.  She was bold in who she was!  My sister taught me that we should not focus on molding people into who we think they should be but instead simply love and be with them.

In the intensive care unit with my family I had several conversations with my cousins about how Robin was always calling, Facebook messaging, texting, or just asking when she could hang out with us all.  Robin asked me countless times to get lunch together, have the kids come over, and most recently watch the new Star Wars movie together.  Regretfully, most of these invitations were turned down.  However, that never stopped her from reaching out and asking.  One of my flaws is that when someone is no longer in my weekly bubble of interaction I pretty much stop reaching out.  Robin was not this way, in fact, she was very much the opposite.  She was always reaching out even after countless rejections.  Robin valued relationships and worked hard to maintain and further her past, present, and future relationships.

The last time I saw my sister was when she surprised my daughter by showing up to her last softball game.  As soon as Hannah saw her she ran up and gave her a big hug.  My sons Caleb and Isaac quickly realized Robin was there and knew that she would take them to the swings near the ballpark.  Robin swung the kids and generally played with differently than I often do.  She was never worried about what was next.  When she was swinging the kids she was focused on swinging the kids until THEY were done being swung.  This is how Robin was, simply, focused on what she was doing and not worrying about what was next. 

Robin will be laid to rest on July 25^th, 2016.  She leaves behind a family that she loved and cared for very much.  She has made us all better.  In brief reflections since her death I have seen how she was courageously herself, cared for others by always reaching out, and finally how she was focused on the present.  I am confident that in the coming days, weeks, months, and years I will continue to learn more about the great impact my little sister had on my life and those she loved.